Written for Thanksgiving Day 2009
It worked so well last year that I thought it deserved another round.
A week ahead of time I will be shopping, cooking, cleaning, baking, chopping, organizing, doing my regular household chores, taking care of my sister & mother & granddaughter & husband, and getting things ready for the big day. You should be doing the same.
So, on Thanksgiving Day
Husband don’t you dare:
1. Ask me for a meat thermometer
2. Ask me for a pop-out turkey timer thingy
3. Ask me for the cookbook guide for your smoker
4. Ask me to make you breakfast.
Every year (for many years, you just keep forgetting) I make pigs-in-a-blanket. Eat those or cereal.
5. Tell me that you don’t have enough gas in the tank for your smoker.
You should have filled up before today! Now all the gas places are closed and your tidbit of information is making the gastric juices in my stomach rise up into my throat. Don’t bother me now; I’m busy looking for my gun.
6. Tell me that there is too much wind and the turkey is taking longer to smoke/cook than you expected.
THIS HAS HAPPENED EVERY YEAR FOR THE LAST 15 OR MORE YEARS!! FIX THE G-DAMN PROBLEM!! BUILD A F’ING FORT OR SOMETHING!!
7. Ask me for a sharper knife, while carving the turkey.
Everyone is at the table waiting to eat. In the last 31 years we have never owned a knife sharp enough to slice a marshmallow, so why would you think one would magically appear out of thin air. GO BUY ONE NOW!!
8. Come to the table all stinky and sweaty.
At least change your shirt. And don’t complain about how much work it was cooking outside. I was inside working while you were sitting outside watching the smoker, reading your paperback, and smoking a cigarette. And don’t get all pissy with me either. If you read #6 and bought that sharp knife, look out! By the time we eat I’ll be ready to stab someone; and you sit the closest to me!!
So, before Thanksgiving Day:
Fill the gas tank. Buy/find a carving knife. Ask me in advance for the meat thermometer, pop-out thermometer, and smoker instruction booklet. Also, make sure we have plenty of tequila.
Husband and Family:
On Thanksgiving Day I’m usually having heat flashes in this hot-ass house cause I’m baking the side dishes, and supervising the grandkid who wants to make a dish to contribute to the feast. The other kids are running around asking for arts and crafts to do, while I listen to someone (who doesn’t know how to cook) recite recipes they read in a magazine this week, saying they think I should make them today. This same clueless person is giving me directions on making “the cutest little centerpieces” and no, they don’t have the supplies needed to make them. “If you would only take the time to search for them, you could make them in time for dinner,” she informs me. Arghhh! I’m trying to enjoy the company of my children and grandchildren, while tuning out the criticism!! All this isn’t helping the situation.
This year I plan on being drunk, again, on Thanksgiving. Now that my granddaughter moved out, I have not participated in many “Margarita Nights” so I will be snoring by the time I finish my Tofu-turkey meal….heehee
The kids will be in charge of clean-up.
Wake me for the pie and cool whip!!
Love your
wife/mom/gramma/sister/daughter/exhausted drunk snoring in the bedroom.
p.s. Guests. If you walked in empty-handed, you will walk out the same. Do not expect to-go plates/containers. This is not a restaurant!! It is rude to expect to take plates home to your family. If they didn’t come, they don’t get fed!!! Stop by McDonald’s on the way home. (This only applied when we were living in Houston)
Note to family:
I am not making Jello-Shots! I don’t like the way they taste, and someone (I will not mention his name) likes to hog them all. And don’t bother trying to deny it, I got proof!! (Photos available upon request)
Bring your own pillows and don’t forget your toothbrushes. I will have extras, but they are the cheap dollar store variety. There is a Dollar General down the street for those of you who are picky.
This year I do not want to watch a movie I’ve been waiting months to see. We had too many interruptions (talkers/kids/refills), and I was too tipsy to remember any of it the next day. When I watched it again (the non-pirated version) months later, I was shocked at all I missed.
Love, MOM
